Healing My Fear Of Fear
Today I have returned from a most excruciating journey into the depths of a personal hell.
Four simple little words written on my newly formed business Facebook page, from an unknown woman, who doesn’t know me, and I don’t know her, is what triggered this unhealed, festering terror in me, from days gone by of being burnt at the stake by both known and unknown people who were in fear. It had shut me down, made me want to shut up shop and go home, frozen in fear, in time, and in every part of my body and life.
The words written were these: “This woman is scary!”
The woman who wrote these words on my FB page, may or may not be feeling her fear as much as I did mine, but she is still afraid, and she is also a mirror of me for sure.
Why is she a mirror of me? Because my response and sentiment to her words were the same response and sentiment she has to me. I feared this woman!
You see even though there are many, many people who love and appreciate me and my work, I have also been hurt by people who are afraid of me and my work. Maybe it’s because I and my work challenge their beliefs, maybe it’s just because they think I am different from them, and they believe different is a bad thing. Or maybe it’s because they don’t want to see the truth in their problems, and so they choose to blame me for them instead.
Whatever the case may be, it is the fearful people that I have allowed to have power over me. I attracted her in because it’s my fear of them that underlies everything in my life. It has run me because I have not yet fully healed my resonance with the belief that people who are afraid of me can hurt me, and I need to heal that.
So not only was she in fear of me, but I was in fear of her. And then because I was hurting so much, my husband Bruce, also went into fear because of how deeply and negatively her words were affecting me. So he erased her words from my page in his desire to “protect me from her”.
This domino effect of fear spread quickly, and I got to see firsthand how much my own fear of her and of Facebook, made me feel helpless, angry, sad, alone, misunderstood, and totally and wrongly judged. I completely shut down, and have been for weeks, and because of that, it effected others as well.
And now I had no way to respond to her. And when I couldn’t meet my need to ask her why she was afraid, and to have a little dialog with her in hopes that it might help her to understand me and my work more, so she wouldn’t have to be afraid of me anymore,—- Well!, that made me go into even more fear.
But now, even though I didn’t get to have that dialog with her, I did do my own work on myself, and I have healed a humongous chunk of my own terror within me, of people who fear me, and of them being able to annihilate me, whether on Facebook or not.
I know I have more work to do, but I’m back! I am not shut down anymore, nor am I afraid of doing Facebook anymore. And I look forward to learning about it, and putting more posts on it.
I love and value who I Am, and I love and value the work I do. And I’m grateful to this unknown woman for helping me to get to a deeper place in that, and also in helping me to see that this is more important than the fear. And I wish her well in healing her own fears.
I believe that Fear is the #1 cause of the violence, hatred, corruption, imbalances, alienation, and tremendous losses that we have in our world. We see its horrendous effects daily in the news and in our lives. And I and my work are helping to heal the fear in our lives, and in turn it’s helping to make the world a more healthier, compassionate, safer, loving, and happier place to be.
Fear is a part of life and our human condition, but when one of us heals its power over us, everyone wins, because it gives hope and inspires and encourages others to do it too. It is from this dream that I wish to create a new and different domino effect.
So my fear and resistance to doing Facebook is healing at last. And my first entry sure wasn’t what I thought it was going to be, and it took a while. But I believe it was worth the wait. And I will be posting more as I and Bruce learn more about this new way of connecting. So please be patient, this is a huge, unknown, time consuming, learning curve for us, but it is one I now see is important, and one I no longer fear.
In Love and Gratitude,